My frustration, your mistakes

I’m writing this text because, more often than not, my empathy outweighs my frustration. Instead of constantly dismissing poorly written messages and keeping my anger to myself, I want to offer guidance now, hoping that some will take a few minutes to read. My intention is to help you understand how to write a thoughtful, effective application, and why including certain information is essential if you want to be taken seriously. This guide is written mainly for cisgender men who wish to refine their approach. I believe it can be particularly helpful for newcomers who feel unsure about how to approach a professional Dom, as well as for those who are simply tired of being ignored and find themselves trapped in endless cycles of frustration and complaints. You might also find some useful tips here when applying to a lifestyle Dom.

This is a guide focused on the art of applying for paid sessions with professional Dominants who are women or queer individuals, including nonbinary people. While many of these Dominants may identify with the term Domme, not all do, so I will mostly use the term Dom in this guide as an inclusive umbrella. However, much of the tone discussed here reflects what is expected when approaching Dommes specifically.

The painful truth is that more than 90 to 95 percent of the messages I have received over the years have been deeply disappointing. Casual short texts such as “You are exactly what I am looking for,” “Hello Mistress,” “Hi, you look gorgeous,” “Are you free on X day?” or “I’m coming to Berlin that day, can I see you?” are sadly common. Others write things like, “I really like X or Y kink, and I’m looking for a Dom to have fun with.” ‘’Can I apply to be your Sub?’’ These messages are unskillful and will likely end in no answer. I understand that breaking taboos can be particularly difficult, especially for cisgender men. However if you are really motivated to get an answer and make your fantasies come true you have to try a bit harder than that.

Entering the dynamic with a “loser mindset” thinking “she’ll never reply anyway, so I’ll just do the bare minimum to avoid feeling like an idiot again” is not only self-sabotaging, but it also communicates disinterest and immaturity.

I’ve heard the complaints: “Doms are unapproachable, arrogant, too busy, too cold.” Submissives often assume that because there are more subs than Doms, they’re being ignored due to numbers alone. That assumption is incorrect. What’s often missing isn’t availability, it’s connection, intention, and respect. So I invite you to pause here. And cultivate a bit of empathy yourself, not just toward the person you’re approaching, but toward the process of submission.

If you truly want to increase your chances of being seen, taken seriously, and perhaps even chosen. If you genuinely wish to explore your fantasies and desires in the presence of someone who could hold them with care and authority then consider the following:

A single one well-thought message

The reality is that you are one of many. Sending messages like “Can I have the permission to talk to you Goddess?’’ gives the impression that you’re a time-waster looking for free chit-chat. Many others do the same, and if professionals replied to all of these, they wouldn’t be able to keep their business running. You are not entitled to anyone’s time, you earn it by being respectful and considerate. Instead, send one serious, well-thought-out message that includes all the essential information. Avoid casual messages asking for permission; be clear and respectful from the start.

Engaging in BDSM requires a foundation of stability and safety. Many Doms have dealt with an ocean of idiots, timewasters, bullies, and exhibitionists. Moreover, as women or queer individuals, many have experienced various forms of sexual harassment and abuse particularly at the hands of cisgender men. This is not speculation; it is reality. You may not share these experiences, but it is important to take them seriously.  Sending brief, messages from anonymous profiles with no photos can be perceived as suspicious, even if your intentions are good. Therefore, you must introduce yourself in a way that shows kindness, respect, and an understanding of the potential dangers a Dom might encounter in their daily interactions. That said, thank them for taking the time to read one more message.

What it really means to submit

Submitting to a Dom means allowing yourself to be led by someone more powerful. It does not mean using the Dom as a tool for your instant gratification. When you only describe what you want to experience, without showing what you offer or how you serve, it comes across as self-centered. Your pleasure should come from surrendering power and contributing to the Dom’s happiness. For this reason, it is important to understand that booking a session or expressing a desire to be led does not guarantee immediate satisfaction. This is not like a typical vanilla encounter or hiring an escort service.

When you go on a date in the vanilla world, or you pay for escort services there is an expectation that sex and gratification will follow. However, submission is an entirely different territory. You let go of all power, and only after you have proven yourself worthy you might be granted the opportunity to get satisfied some of your desires. And even then, it is offered as a reward not as something owed.

Include essential information

Introducing yourself with your roles, age, name, including your pronouns is a basic gesture of respect, particularly for those who may identify outside of binary norms. Stating your level of experience is also essential. It helps the Dom understand how hard they can go with you. If you are more experienced than them, that can also be an asset, perhaps you can support and help them.

Disclosing any medical conditions is absolutely necessary if you are a conscious and responsible player. High blood pressure, heart disease, contact lenses, plastic surgery, serious mental health issues, panic attacks, skeletal conditions, allergies, and history of fainting are essential.

Being transparent about previous experiences with other Doms or lifestyle partners, and being willing to share what you appreciated or disliked, reflects self-awareness and honesty. Acknowledge any past mistakes. These dynamics are difficult, and errors can happen on both sides. Do not shame others. Take responsibility for your own actions. If you have played with others, you may mention them, or even better, present a reference or recommendation letter. This shows maturity and accountability, and significantly raises your chances of being taken seriously.

Often, mistakes occur when both parties are inexperienced. Every one of us has made them. As we gain experience, we reduce the risk of harm. While it’s easy to blame others, a responsible and experienced player knows how to establish limits and maintain structure before things spiral out of control. If you’ve had extremely negative experiences, consider whether poor negotiation, unclear communication, lack of self-awareness and absence of contracts, may have played a role. This does not include experiences of sexual assault or harassment, which are never the fault of the victim.

On Humiliation and having no limits

Humiliation is one of the most intense forms of BDSM play. While bruises heal in days, a few words can cause deep psychological wounds. What is humiliating for one person may be a joke to another. If you are interested in this kink, take the time to build self-awareness before diving in. Reflect on past experiences that left you feeling suffocated or harmed. It is possible to engage with painful or traumatic experiences and transform them into moments of catharsis, but you must be clear about how you plan to manage the emotional aftermath. Ultimately, it is your responsibility, not the Dom’s, to regulate your feelings after a session. Ask yourself: Am I truly ready to revisit those feelings in a scene? How will I cope with any negative emotions after the scene ends?

Claiming that you have “no limits” is not a sign of courage, it is a known red flag. There is no such thing as having no limits. You have limits, and if you want to present yourself as serious, you must be able to name them. The importance of STI testing should go without saying. Whether you are sexually active or not, you must get tested regularly and provide recent results before any physical interaction. Any serious Dom will likely offer the same.

On directing the Dom

When describing your kinks, keep it brief and neutral. Avoid going off on a rant about ‘hot‘ imaginary scenarios. If you’re seeking a submissive experience and you say things like, “And then you enter the room and say X,” or “You wear X, Y, and make me beg, and then I do X, and then you do Y until I scream,” you present yourself, at least in my eyes, as someone who is terribly afraid of the unknown and deeply insecure. Do not attempt to script your Dom’s behavior if you truly wish to be given a chance.

If you are a fetishist rather than a submissive, clearly define your role. And do not assume that acting casually makes you appear more masculine. It doesn’t. Also, respect submissives. They are not beneath you. Acting as though you are superior to them or to the Dom reveals insecurity. Just as you deserve respect as a fetishist, so do subs and Doms.

If you would like the Dom to wear a particular fabric or nail color, ask respectfully. Be prepared to pay extra for custom requests if they are accepted. Never name a Dom’s taboos in hopes that they will break them just for you; this is at least moronic and gets you instantly dismissed.

On payment and how to tell if a Dom is a scammer

A deposit is non-negotiable when engaging with professionals. If you’re unable to trust this small but essential step, it raises a bigger question: how will you trust a Dom to guide you safely into unknown, vulnerable, and intimate territory?

Before reaching out, it’s your responsibility to verify legitimacy. This includes checking the Dom’s official website, their social media presence, any verified profiles, references, or reviews. That level of transparency is enough from their side. If a profile feels shady, inconsistent, or lacks any visible history, it’s best not to engage.

Once legitimacy is clear, respect the professional’s process. Insisting on alternative payment methods is simply disrespectful. This is a business, and like any business, the provider sets their own terms, including how they accept payment.

On booking details

Always follow instructions. Propose specific dates and time. Offer ideas for suitable spaces. Do your research. Repeating questions the Dom has already answered, such as whether they host, or how much this or that studio costs, just to avoid doing the research or paying for a location shows disrespect. You are not entitled to their time. Not reading their instructions simply makes you look lazy and like you can’t even read.

If something is unclear, ask about it kindly and directly. But do not bargain. You’re not buying a product; you’re entering a dynamic built on mutual respect, clear boundaries, and consent.

A kind gesture

Arriving with a gift is a kind and thoughtful gesture. You have already benefited in some degree from the Dom’s content, writings, videos, and time. Show your appreciation in return. Approach the experience with elegance and generosity. The few euros you save will not bring you closer to a remarkable and unforgettable experience.

In conclusion, we are aiming to make the application process quick, smooth, a true win-win for both of us. That is the essence of it. The ultimate goal is to co-create an exceptional, sublime experience, a memory that will stay with both of us for a long time. This is not your usual vanilla interaction. It is art. And like all art, it requires skill, presence, and respect.

So my final question to you is this:
Do you believe you deserve an extraordinary experience?

With love,
Mistress Aido Akida